Keeping Safe
Safety Planning:
Some signs that an abuser is extremely dangerous include: suicide threats, homicide threats, substance abuse, choking, stalking, brandishing weapons, killing/abusing pets, etc. Accusing victim of "having affairs" or "trying to leave"…the abuser saying that s/he "has nothing left to lose/live for…etc.
Safety During an Explosive Incident:
- If an argument seems unavoidable try to have it in a room or area that has access to an exit and not in a bathroom, kitchen or anywhere near weapons.
- Practice how to get out of your home safely. Identify which doors, windows, or stairwell would be best.
- Have an extra set of keys and packed bag ready; keep them in an undisclosed but accessible place in order to leave quickly.
- Identify a neighbor you can tell about the violence and ask that they call the police if they hear a disturbance coming from your home.
- Devise a code word to use with your children, family, friends and neighbors when you need the police.
- Decide and plan where you will go if you have to leave home (even if you don't think you will need to).
- Use your instincts and judgment. If the situation is very dangerous, consider giving the abuser what he wants to calm him down. You have the right to protect yourself until you are out of danger.
- Always remember: You don't deserve to be hit, threatened or controlled!
Safety When Preparing to Leave:
- Open a checking and/or savings account in your own name to begin to establish or increase your independence. Rent a post office box to receive mail that may not be safe to receive at home. Think of other ways in which you can increase your independence.
- Leave money, an extra set of keys, copies of important documents and extra clothes with someone you trust so you can leave quickly.
- Determine who would let you stay with them or lend you money.
- Keep your local domestic violence project's number nearby, and have change or a calling card with you at all times for emergency phone calls. Remember that you may call collect or use the toll free number 24 hours a day.
- Review your safety plan as often as possible. Remember: Leaving may be the most dangerous time.
Safety in Your Own Home:
- If you have one, keep your protection order on you at all times.
- Call the police if your partner breaks the protection order in any way.
- Think of alternative ways to keep safe if the police do not respond right away.
- Inform family, friends, neighbors, teachers, that you have a protection order in effect and give them relevant details (who has custody, when and where visitation takes place, etc.)
Safety on the Job and in Public:
- Decide whom at work you will inform of your situation. This should include office or building security. Provide a picture of your batterer if possible.
- Arrange to have someone screen your telephone calls if possible.
- Devise a safety plan for when you leave work. Have someone escort you to your car. Know where the police station is and drive to it if necessary.
Your Safety and Emotional Health:
- If you are thinking of returning to a potentially abusive situation, discuss an alternative plan with someone you trust.
- If you have to communicate with your partner, determine the safest way.
- Have positive thoughts about yourself. Be assertive about your needs.
- Read books, articles and poems to help you feel stronger.
- Keep a journal.
- Decide whom you can talk to freely and openly to obtain needed support.
- Plan to attend a support group to gain support from others and learn more about yourself and your relationship.
What to consider taking if you leave:
- Identification
- Drivers license and registration
- Your birth certificate
- Money
- Lease, rental agreement, deed
- Address book
- Bank books
- Checkbooks
- Children's small toys
- Credit cards
- Divorce papers
- Green card
- Insurance papers
- Jewelry
- Keys - house, car, office
- Medications
- Medical records
- Passport
- Personal treasures
- Pictures
- School identification
- Small salable objects
- Social Security card
- Welfare identification
- Work permits
- Other
"When nothing seems to help, I go look at a stonecutter hammering away at his rock perhaps hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet, at the hundred and first blow it will split in two and I know it was not that blow that did it… but, all that had gone before." (Jacob Riis, 1849 – 1914).
